Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen from Mars
by Aikori Ichijouji
Summary: Ed is in love... with Spike??? Well, anything's possible in the wonderful world of fanfiction. Enjoy! **SORRY FOR THE WAIT!!! THIRD CHAPTER IS NOW UP!!!**
1. Dressed up for a big day...

Author's Note: Even though I've always been an F/S fan, I decided to make my first CB fic about a 'what if' I had floating around my brain. I always wondered if Ed could ever have a crush on someone and how she'd go about letting them know. Anyway, this is how I think it would go. If you like it, let me know. If you hate it, whatever.  
  
Disclaimer: Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! Did you REALLY think that I could own Cowboy Bebop? You're stupider than I thought!  
  
CAPTAIN CRASH AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN FROM MARS  
  
Goggles firmly in place, Ed tapped furiously away on her beloved Tomato alternating between using her fingers and toes. Faye, who had just emerged from raiding the kitchen, looked at Ed, gave a bored yawn and strolled off to her room. Ed pretended not to notice her since there was only one person that she wanted to enter the living room just then. As if on cue, Spike waltzed into the room with a half finished cigarette hanging from his lips. She bounded towards him, proudly holding a paper with a printout on it.  
  
"Lookie what Ed find for Spike-person!"  
  
Spike took the paper out of her hand and scanned it quickly. It was a bounty on a man wanted for 5 counts of grand theft, 4 counts of murder and 2 counts of embezzlement. When he looked at the figure for the bounty, he nearly spat out his cigarette. Ten million woolongs! They hadn't snagged a bounty that size in ages. Maybe they could finally afford some real beef for Jet to cook. Spike ruffled Ed's hair before rushing off to his ship.  
  
"Thanks a lot, kid!" He yelled over his shoulder as he ran.  
  
Ed watched Spike leave and slowly put a hand to her head where Spike had touched her hair. The rosy pink on her cheeks turned a bright crimson and a wide grin spread on her face. In her excitement, she picked up Ein and spun around and around with him until the poor dog whimpered to be let go. Ein teetered over once he was placed on the ground and Ed skipped off happily down the hallway and bumped into Jet, who had been looking for Spike.  
  
"You seen Spike anywhere?" Ed beamed and nodded vigorously.  
  
"Spike-person go catch bad man for money."  
  
Before Jet could ask Ed where exactly Spike had run off to, she had already continued on her merry jaunt. He shook his head and wondered at the possibility of someone being perpetually happy without the assistance of some kind of drug. She was a pretty cool kid in his opinion, but she was just about as nutty as they came. He supposed that was just the price one paid for being a technological genius. Jet shrugged and decided to look after his bonsai while Spike was out.  
  
Many hours later, Spike stepped proudly through the door, bounty briefcase in hand. He set the case on the coffee table nonchalantly and flopped on the yellow couch, putting both hands behind his head and one foot resting on the other knee. Jet, Faye and Ed had been eating their less than appealing meal that Jet had prepared for them and they all looked at Spike and the case. Jet raised an eyebrow questioningly.  
  
"How much?"  
  
"Ten million." Spike replied coolly.  
  
Two forks clattered loudly on their respective plates. Jet and Faye stared at Spike, mouths agape with shock and eyes glittering with joy. Ed grinned as she continued to plow through her food.  
  
"Finally we can stock some decent food in here!"  
  
"And I can finish all of my repairs."  
  
"So, lunkhead, how come you ended up with this bounty?" Spike shrugged.  
  
"Ask the computer nut over there. She gave me the info."  
  
Reproving glared turned in Ed's direction. She looked at both Faye and Jet with a sheepish grin.  
  
"Ed see Spike-person first so Ed give away."  
  
That seemed to satisfy them and they want back to eating. Uninterested in the dinner menu, Spike got up from the couch with a stretch and left to go to his room. Ed hurriedly finished her plate of food before returning to her Tomato. She sat intently in front of the screen, toes skittering rapidly across the keyboard. Jet and Faye had both finished their meals and were now hanging over Ed's shoulder, anxiously awaiting any information on a huge bounty.  
  
"Find anything?" Faye asked staring at the apparent gibberish on the screen.  
  
"Nothing, nothing, nothing! Too bad for Faye-Faye." She sang.  
  
They both lingered behind her for a while longer before giving up in frustration and walking away. Ed waited until they were both gone a safe distance away before she started to giggle madly at her own cleverness. She pulled up the next bounty on her screen. Twenty million woolongs for 6 counts of murder, 5 counts of major extortion and 10 counts of assault and battery. That would do quite nicely.  
  
The next morning, Ed hid from sight until Spike woke up. She caught him as she walked through the corridor on her hands and he was on his way to the bathroom. Stopping in front of him, she back flipped onto her feet and handed him the paper she'd been carrying in her mouth.  
  
"What's this you've got for me today?"  
  
"Get baddie for big money!" She squealed with delight.  
  
He perused the printout. He saw the amount of the bounty and a smug grin formed on his face.  
  
"Looks like the cyber Easter Bunny has brought me goodies again. Thanks, Ed." He patted her on the head and continued on his way to the bathroom.  
  
Ed stood frozen on the spot, almost in disbelief of what she'd just heard.  
  
"Spike-person will Ed by Ed name?"  
  
She shrieked in excitement and ran down the hall with arms outstretched like an airplane. Unbeknownst to her, Faye had witnessed the second half of the scene when she groggily stepped out of her room and stumbled towards the kitchen. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen and leaned against the frame. She chucked to herself.  
  
"So, the kid has a crush on Spike. That's so weird it's almost cute."  
  
Spike arrived later with the usual fanfare upon his capture of such a lucrative bounty. Jet was still upset that he hadn't snagged the bounty for himself, but was happy with the sudden increase in income. Ed just grinned from ear to ear as she watched Spike enjoy his triumph. Faye managed to catch him alone later that evening and cornered him.  
  
"You know she likes you, don't you?"  
  
"Everyone likes me, Faye, so I'm not surprised." Faye glared at him and he scratched his head. "Wait, who are we talking about?"  
  
"The person solely responsible for your recent capture of two huge bounties."  
  
"Ed?"  
  
"Yes, lunkhead, that crazy little hacker thinks you're better than a new pair of goggles." Spike laughed and leaned in with a smirk.  
  
"I think somebody's upset that they're still not bringing in any money and their afraid of being exposed as the freeloader they are."  
  
Stung by his words, Faye turned around abruptly and stormed away from him. As she walked away, silently cursing him, a thought occurred to her. She smiled devilishly and went looking for Ed. She found her in her usual corner in the living room, completely absorbed in whatever she was doing.  
  
"Oh Ed -" She said sweetly.  
  
"Yes, Faye-Faye." Ed didn't look away from the flickering screen as she answered.  
  
"You like your Tomato, don't you?" She continued with her honeyed tone of voice.  
  
"Ed likey Tomato very much!"  
  
"And Ed likes Spike-person very much too, doesn't she?"  
  
This time, Ed turned fully around as if she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Faye just smiled at her and sat down beside her. Ed looked severely worried about being found out as she rocked back and forth while sitting on her hands.  
  
"Don't worry, Ed, Faye-Faye won't tell anyone. In fact, I'm going to help you?"  
  
"Faye-Faye help Ed?"  
  
"Of course! I got my share from Spike's bounty so I'm gonna take you shopping."  
  
"Whee! Ed go shopping with Faye-Faye! Ed go shopping with Faye-Faye!" She said in a sing-song voice.  
  
Grabbing Ed by the hand, Faye ushered her to the Red Tail and they took off in search of the best clothing stores in outer space. Although Faye bought most of the outfits for herself, she also selected a few items for Ed as well. She took Ed to a salon, where they showed her how to slick back her spiky, fiery, red hair into a ponytail and turn the unruly ends into sleek, wavy curls. They returned to the Bebop late that night and Ed sat down in the quiet solitude of the empty living room with her Tomato. After some frantic searching, she found the perfect bounty. 10 counts of rape, 6 counts of murder and 5 for larceny. The bounty on his head was worth 50 million woolongs. It was her best find yet. She carefully folded the printout and stuck it in the door of Spike's room before deciding to get some sleep herself.  
  
Spike awoke to find the new bounty for the day stuck in his door. He dressed as quickly as he could before hurrying off. Faye caught him in his haste and stopped him momentarily.  
  
"You'd better take her to dinner or something after all that lovesick girl has done for you."  
  
"You know what? Just to prove you wrong, I will." He growled before walking away from her.  
  
Faye rested her back against the nearby wall and smiled to herself. Great, he had accepted the bait. He had no clue of what he was in for. She went to Ed's room to help her prepare for that night.  
  
"Now Ed, you know you're going to have to wear shoes." Ed shook her head furiously in protest.  
  
"Ed no likey shoes. Ed likey socks!"  
  
"Well, you're going to have to like them if you want to go out with Spike tonight." Ed sighed.  
  
"Okay, Faye-Faye, Ed wear shoes."  
  
"You don't think that there's a chance that you can speak in complete sentences and stop referring to yourself in the third person, is there?"  
  
"Ed try."  
  
"Good, 'cause we've got all day to get this right."  
  
Faye spent hours with Ed teaching her to walk in heeled shoes and attempting to correct her manner of speech. Luckily for her, Ed was more than just a genius with a computer and proved to be a fast learner. With nothing more to teach her, she sent Ed back to her Tomato to see if she could locate Spike so that they'd know when he'd be returning. Ed found him in no time and had already calculated that he'd be arriving within the hour.  
  
"Now remember, Ed, just be your normal self when he first comes. We can spring our surprise after." Faye winked and Ed winked back at her before giggling uncontrollably.  
  
True to Ed's calculations, Spike strolled through the door a while later with a bulging briefcase. Jet could barely control himself when he learned of the sum that Spike had obtained. In the meantime, Ed, with her hair back in its normal spikes, was busying herself with Tomato, pretending not to notice the jubilant scene going on around her. Even Faye put on a convincing act and joined in the celebration. Spike broke away from the rejoicing and walked over to where Ed sat.  
  
"Since you helped me find these guys, I figured I should take you out to eat to thank you. I know this place outside of Jupiter that's pretty good. Wanna go?"  
  
"Spike-person would do that for Ed?"  
  
"Sure, let's go!"  
  
"Hold on, Ed go change!"  
  
Ed disappeared with lightning speed leaving a rather stunned Spike behind her. Faye turned away from Jet and was able to sneak out of the room while he was congratulating Spike. Moments later, Ed reappeared in the doorway with Faye slipping in behind, unnoticed. Spike and Jet looked in her direction and their jaws nearly hit the floor. She stood before them in tight, black leather pants with black high heeled boots and a black top that laced in the front. Her hair had been redone in its silky, wavy ponytail and Fay had applied some eye-shadow and lipstick for extra effect.  
  
"Are you ready to go, Spike?" She asked in a softer and less screechy voice.  
  
"Y-yeah." That was all he was able to say.  
  
She slowly walked over to him and took him by the arm and led him back to his ship with a satisfied smile on her face. Spike looked back at Faye as he was being taken away with an utterly confused look on his face. Faye smirked, mouthed 'I told you so' to him and waved as he passed by. The look on his face was priceless. She wanted to burst out laughing but held it in until the two were out of sight. This was going to be a night he'd never forget!  
  
  
  
.See You Space Cowboy!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: I know, I have a sick and twisted mind to even conceive such an idea as this, but you have to admit that the possibility is pretty funny. It seems fitting that Faye would help her out just to get back at Spike, doesn't it? Anyway, I wanna hear what you think. Reviews are always welcome! If they're good, I might think about a sequel. 


	2. Mixed up as a Milkshake

AUTHOR'S NOTE: After a long wait, I've finally been able to create a second chapter to my story. I never expected college to be this time demanding. Then again, I never expected that I'd be playing pool every night until 11pm. Anywho, here's what I've been able to come up with so far for the story. I hope you like the little banter between Spike and Faye. D'oh! I wasn't supposed to give that away, was I? Oh, whatever!  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, like I could REALLY own Cowboy Bebop.  
  
  
  
CHAPTER TWO: MIXED UP AS A MILKSHAKE  
  
Faye sat at the table and carefully wiped her mouth after devouring a savory meal of filet mignon. It tasted so much better when she could buy it for herself rather than having to flirt with a man for the entire evening just to get invited to dinner. She wondered if Spike was enjoying his dinner as much as she was. Faye chuckled to herself and grabbed her purse before leaving a wad of bills on the table. She sped back to the Bebop as fast as she could in the hopes that she would catch Spike and Ed when they would return from their 'date'. Ed's Tomato was abandoned; still in the same place she'd left it earlier. Faye smiled at this and made herself comfortable on the dilapidated couch and hoped that the wait wouldn't be too long. No sooner had she found a suitable spot on the couch, than she heard two distinct voices approaching. She heard Ed's toned-down, trademark laugh and - much to her surprise - Spike chuckling softly in the background.  
  
'That lunkhead never laughs like that ' She thought to herself then became slightly angered. 'He had better not be toying around with her just to piss me off.'  
  
The two entered the living room in which Faye sat; still laughing and apparently oblivious to her presence. Spike eventually noticed her sitting on the couch and looked over at her with a wry smile; apparently reveling in the look of shock and anger she gave him.  
  
"Hey, you didn't have to wait up for us, you know." Faye tried to hide her annoyance and replied nonchalantly..  
  
"I wasn't waiting up for you. I just came back myself from enjoying the largest, most delicious meal I've ever had on Mars." Spike's smile became a smirk.  
  
"Enjoying the spoils of my bounties, Faye?" Faye shot him the worst look she could muster.  
  
"Well, apparently you are too. Did you two have fun tonight?" Faye directed the question at Ed, who nodded vigorously in reply.  
  
Faye was relieved to see Ed so happy but gave Spike a suspicious look. She decided not to give herself away by making it obvious that she was waiting on them. Getting up from the couch with a stretch, Faye faked a large and noisy yawn. Spike raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
"You mean you're not going to stay up and interrogate us about our evening?" Faye rolled her eyes and gave an exasperated sigh.  
  
"Whatever. I'm going to bed." Faye departed quickly and retreated to her room.  
  
Approximately an hour later, Faye lay awake in her bed staring at the ceiling. She heard a knock at the door and groaned.  
  
"Whatever it is, Spike, I don't want to hear it." She shouted at the door.  
  
"Faye-Faye, it's Ed!" came a familiar voice from the other side of her door.  
  
Faye jumped out of her bed immediately and ran to her door to open it. Ed cart-wheeled through the door and into Faye's bedroom. She was back dressed in her regular shorts and t-shirt. Ed sprung onto Faye's bed and sat cross-legged on it with her chin in her hands. She beamed up at Faye who regarded her as one might deal with a dangerous animal.  
  
"So, what can I do for you, Ed?"  
  
"Ed just want to thank Faye-Faye for helping Ed with Spike-person."  
  
"I see your back to the third person usage and the nicknames." Ed gave her a strange look. "Never mind, I'm happy that you're happy, Ed."  
  
Ed rose from the bed and ran towards Faye who was caught off guard by the girl's swift movements. She wrapped her arms around Faye and squeezed her into a big hug. Taken aback by the sudden display of affection, Faye cautiously returned the hug. Ed backed away from Faye with a huge grin and then proceeded to skip out of her bedroom before she could even speak.  
  
Returning to her bed, Faye slowly lowered herself onto it. She was now more awake than ever. She draped an arm across her eyes in an attempt to force her eyes to close. Nothing worked; tossing, turning or covering her head with the pillow. After throwing her pillow to the floor in frustration, another knock came from her bedroom door.  
  
"Ed, it's open." But it wasn't Ed who came through her door this time.  
  
"You were expecting someone?" The deep male voice asked. Faye sat up and looked at the fluffy-haired figure that stood by her door.  
  
"What do you want?" She asked angrily.  
  
"I thought the protective mother-hen might like to know what happened tonight."  
  
"Oh, spare me." Faye rolled her eyes.  
  
"You mean you really don't want to know?" His voice teased her.  
  
"Do I look like I care?"  
  
"Well, actually, yes you do." Faye desperately fought the urge to strangle Spike.  
  
"Why do I get the feeling that you're going to tell me anyway?" Faye sighed.  
  
"Wow, you really are psychic!"  
  
"Can you get this over with so that I can get back to sleep?"  
  
"But you don't sleep."  
  
"You are walking a very thin line between life and death right now, lunkhead."  
  
"No more than usual." Faye screamed in frustration.  
  
"THAT IS IT! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!"  
  
"Whoa, you don't have to yell at me. I just wanted to tell you that Ed and I had a great time together."  
  
"Fine. Wonderful. Are you leaving now?"  
  
"Not yet." Faye groaned. "I wanted to know how you managed to change her like that."  
  
"Well, she was a willing pupil."  
  
"She actually agreed to that?"  
  
"You thought I was kidding when I said she had a crush on you? I think all that hair is impairing your ability to reason."  
  
"Well, at least you didn't make her to be like you. The last thing we need is another Faye Valentine." Faye threw her pillow at him.  
  
"Are you finished yet?"  
  
"Do you think I can take her out again sometime?" Faye gave him an authentic look of shock, then quickly altered her expression."  
  
"If you want to, but - "  
  
"Uh oh. There's a 'but'."  
  
"If you are even thinking about playing around with her feelings just to piss me off, you'll wish that I had just killed you here tonight. Do you understand me?" Spike shrugged.  
  
"Whatever." She glared at him.  
  
"I'm serious, she's still a kid. Don't screw with her feelings."  
  
"Alright. I won't."  
  
"Fine. Are you leaving now?" Spike got up from the wall he was leaning against.  
  
"I'll let you get back to trying to sleep."  
  
He walked out to Faye's room and closed the door behind her. She threw herself backwards onto her bed with a sigh. What in the world had she done? Did Spike really enjoy going out with Ed? What the hell was he up to? Now she really couldn't sleep. She had to figure out what Spike's game was and beat him to it before Ed got hurt. Faye was suddenly regretting ever helping Ed out. None of this would have ever happened if she hadn't intervened. No, it wasn't her fault. It was that stupid lunkhead who caused all of this. He didn't have to go and string her along like this, but he was. And now she had to stop him.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, there you have it! The second installment of my little story. I hope you all liked it. It took me a while, but I'm having a really boring night in my dorm so I went to work. It really sucks to not have social life - or a car. Anyway, toodles for now! 


	3. We Can be Oh So Tragical

Author's Note: Hey everybody, I'm back!!! Didn't think you'd ever hear anything from me again didn't you? Well, I'm sorry for the agonizing wait, but it couldn't be helped. However my absence resulted in good grades. I finished the semester with a 3.98 GPA! Anyway, on with the story!  
  
Disclaimer: Sorry, but I'm not the creative genius behind Cowboy Bebop. And I kept forgetting to mention in the earlier chapters, the title "Captain Crash and The Beauty Queen from Mars" does not belong to me either. It's a song by Bon Jovi. But if you've ever heard it, you'll realize how perfect it is for this story. Sorry to make this disclaimer so long, but I also found out that there's another Bebop fanfic with the same title! How weird is that?  
  
CHAPTER 3: WE CAN BE OH SO TRAGICAL.  
  
Jet was working on the Redtail when Spike waltzed in, hands placed carelessly behind his head and whistling some strange tune. Jet raised an eyebrow and eyed Spike suspiciously. He noticed Jet looking at him and stopped abruptly, meeting Jet's stare with a smug grin. He then continued his saunter across the room.  
  
"And what's got you so damn happy?" Jet had to ask.  
  
"Who? Me?" Spike replied angelically.  
  
"No, I'm talking to the crazy bounty hunter standing next to you." Jet's voice oozed with sarcasm.  
  
" Now, now, Jet, you should be happy too. I've captured three high profile bounties worth enough woolongs to allow you to do those repairs on Faye's ship."  
  
"Don't give me that act. You've brought in large bounties before and I've never seen you like this."  
  
"Yeah, but when was the last time I brought in three in a row?"  
  
Jet let out an exasperated sigh and went back to his work  
  
"Nice talkin' to you too, Jet." Spike added before walking out.  
  
Spike went to his favorite couch and flopped down on it. Turning he head to the side, he spied Ed in a corner of the room, illuminated only by the glare of her computer. He smiled slightly as he watched her tapping furiously on the keyboard, often alternating between her fingers and her toes.  
  
"Anything interesting going on in cyberspace, Ed?"  
  
"Ed looking for -" Ed caught herself in mid-sentence and swallowed quickly before continuing. "I mean, I'm searching for some more bounties, Spike."  
  
"Found anything so far?"  
  
"No, sorry." Ed never once removed her eyes from the screen.  
  
Obeying the irritated growl of his stomach, Spike got up from the couch and went to the kitchen in search of some food. Faye entered the room shortly after Spike's departure and also spotted Ed in her corner. Ed sensed her presence, took off her goggles and looked at Faye.  
  
"Hey Ed, how's it going?"  
  
"Ed have surprise for Faye-Faye!" Ed squealed.  
  
"You have a surprise? For me?" Faye was taken aback.  
  
Ed nodded vigorously and leapt up from her spot in front of her Tomato with a sheet of paper in her hand. She skipped over to where Faye stood and proudly presented her with the paper that was in her hand. Faye took the paper with a questioning look.  
  
"What's this, Ed?"  
  
"Take a lookie and see!"  
  
Faye looked down at the paper she held and immediately recognized it as a bounty posting. Ten counts of murder, 13 for aggravated assault and 11 counts of arson. Faye choked when she saw the value of the bounty and nearly fainted. Fifty million woolongs! Her eyes opened as wide as they could go without her eyeballs popping out.  
  
"E-Ed?" Her voice quavered.  
  
"Yeeeees, Faye-Faye?" Ed sang.  
  
"You found this bounty just for me? Are you sure this isn't meant for Spike?"  
  
"Faye-Faye help Ed. Ed help Faye-Faye." Ed rationalized logically.  
  
Faye couldn't remember when was the last time she cried, but she certainly felt as if she was going to then. She gave Ed a look of bewilderment. Then suddenly, as soon as that expression appeared, it vanished and a slow smile spread across her face. A deep chuckle started in Faye's throat and erupted from her lips as a triumphant laugh.  
  
"Ohhhhh, Spike is going to eat his word now. Freeloader, my ass!" She giggled as she spoke.  
  
"Yay! Ed make Faye-Faye happy!" Ed cheered.  
  
Faye looked down at Ed with a genuine smile. She noticed the circles around Ed's. It was then she realized that the poor girl had stayed up all night looking for this bounty for her. Faye had found the human being beneath the insane hacker exterior. Not being able to resist the urge, Faye gave Ed a hug before rushing out of the room to start searching for her bounty. Ed's trademark grin formed on her face but was interrupted by a loud yawn. Ed stretched and decided she should probably get some sleep. She hummed a playful melody as she shut down her Tomato and went in search of Ein.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Well, that's all for now everybody! Will Faye be able to snag this tantalizing bounty? And why IS Spike so damned happy? I'm terribly sorry it took so long for me to add another chapter, but college took up more time than I thought. And then vacation time came around and I was terribly bored, but I remembered my story, thanks to all of you who reviewed it begging me to write more. I hope you all liked it (and you review it to tell me so!). Until next time, I'll see you space cowboys later! 


End file.
